The Insidious Freedom We’re Given

There is an insidious freedom an abuser grants to those he abuses, and that is the freedom of selected outrage. Forced to endure the violence and the lies of the abuser, the abused are permitted to vent when similar behavior is exhibited by a third party. Most often the abused will be encouraged by their abuser to express outrage at the very actions they themselves are forced to live with every day. And the abuser will almost always direct the outrage of his victims towards those who themselves do not tolerate the lies and behavior of the abuser.

The abused, too fearful to confront their tormentor, have pent up their anger and sense of injustice, so that when they are finally permitted to vent, they spew their impotent hatred at whatever target the abuser permits them. Irrationally. In a fit of paroxysm, losing all control. Because in truth they have no experience of having any control over anything. It is the only courage they are able to muster, and even then they can only bark at a target chosen by their master, can only express themselves when they feel confident their abusive master is there to protect them.

It seems wrong to point blame at the victims, to call out their behavior when they cower beneath the raised hand of the abuser. But the cycle has to be broken at some point. The abuser at one time was also abused. Having been abused does not excuse his abuse of others, nor does it excuse his victims who aid him. There were many who wore a Nazi uniform only because they were too frightened to oppose an oppressive regime. This was not permitted as an excuse at the Nuremberg Trials. “I was just following orders” is not a good reason to commit evil acts. Unlike many, I feel pity for those who were forced to choose between their own moral duties and the compulsion of authority. I do so because I know each and every one of us confronts this sort of situation often in our lives, and too often do we avoid doing right or even asking what IS right when confronted with far lesser consequences than those who lived in Germany during the Third Reich.

That’s why it is so important to recognize the signs of an abusive relationship, whether it be interpersonally or with a government or even a culture. We must, each of us, have a sense of personal autonomy if we are ever to bring about a society that has a regard for freedom. And let no one define for you what freedom is, because freedom is a feeling that one is in charge of one’s own life and decisions. No one can tell you how you should feel.

The earlier we can train our children that they have some expectation of personal boundaries and a degree of self-determination, the better.