The Enlightened “F*ck Off!”

I have at last attained enlightenment. It did not come all at once but was achieved through several breakthroughs spanning years, even decades. It feels good.

We all grow up having people in positions of authority telling us what to think. I always wondered how music critics could acquire such a lofty position while getting everything so utterly wrong. But the very fact that they held such a position bestowed upon them a degree of authority, implying some sort of arcane knowledge that I lacked. There must be something wrong with me that I was somehow missing the fact that the Rolling Stones was the greatest Rock band of all time.

Sure, I disagreed with such experts, but never to a point where I did not harbor doubts about my own judgment. When they told me Madonna was sending a message of female empowerment to her audience, I disagreed viscerally, but I was still a teenager who did not know much about the world, so I was rightfully willing to admit that there might be a wisdom greater than my own. And when Henry Kissinger would say how the world should be run, I naturally deferred to a man of great stature who was lauded by most and awarded a Nobel Peace Prize. Why, when anyone was given a platform on television, I took their words with a certain degree of respect, because why would they put someone on television whose opinion was not worthy of my respect?

But I got older and the people on the television did not seem to be getting any smarter. Again, it was not a single instant that changed me, not some bolt out of the blue epiphany that struck me, but rather a series of realizations that grew in strength each time they occurred.

There is a Zen-like moment of clarity when you finally realize someone’s been blowing smoke up your ass. Suddenly, everything that was confusing becomes absolutely obvious. It was the one piece of the puzzle that gives context to all the others.

First you realize one person is blowing smoke up your ass, and you gain understanding about that person. Then you have the same realization about someone else, and you again understand that that person is engaged in the art of anal smoke blowing. But after having this experience multiple times, the greater realization occurs: ASB is an industry and the media is in on it.

There is a reason people are walking around with so much smoke up their asses: it’s because Smoke Blower is a job that people get paid to do.

Imagine mingling at a social engagement, asking someone what they do for a living, and them replying, “Oh, I blow smoke up people’s asses.” Of course they would never say that, because that would be too honest. So they’ll tell you they work in advertising or public relations. They’ll tell you they’re in politics or they work for a think tank that advocates for freedom and civil liberties. Feel a tingling in your sphincter? If you’re enlightened, you know exactly what that feeling means. And if you are enlightened, you know exactly the right thing to say in such a situation: “F*ck Off!”

Don’t say it mean. It’s not about attacking the blower of smoke, it’s about keeping that smoke out of your butt. Saying “F*ck Off!” is your body’s natural way of protecting itself from an anal smoke insertion. There is no way your first and second chakras are ever going to be aligned with the others when you have smoke up your ass.

Again, this is not about the blower of smoke. It doesn’t matter if the blower of smoke is in the room with you or if you are hearing his/her voice on the radio or watching them on the television. It is important to keep your mind and your poop shoot clear. Do not force the words from your lips or from your mind, but allow them to pass outward from you as the realization dawns that you have encountered another of these overpaid butt-foggers.

When you tell them to f*ck off, they will loudly scream that you have no respect for science, or decency, or women, or racial minorities. This is what butt smoke appliers do, they blow smoke. They blow smoke to obfuscate the fact that they are not what they allege themselves to be. They are neither scientists nor in line with the scientific community. They don’t care about decency or else they wouldn’t have chosen butt smoke blower as a profession. And as far as people belonging to traditionally oppressed groups, they are nothing more than human shields for butt smoke blowers, to be disposed of the moment they are no longer useful.

We do, all of us need to be civil to one another. At the same time, we need to realize there are those who are paid to exhale toxic fumes into our most intimate of crevices. This is a behavior well beyond the pale and should not be accorded the same respect and dignity given to those who would never consider doing such a thing, let alone accepting payment for it. The reason we forget this is that there are so many people whose job it is to be just the opposite. This is a behavior that needs to be recognized and pointed out, so that we can create a more civilized society and a less inflamed rectum.

Pay close attention. When you see someone behind you, on their knees and inhaling deeply on a cigarette, just say “F*ck Off!” You’ll be glad you did.