A Visit From A Pro-Saruman Fundraiser

I was just starting a Mountain Dew, Doritos, and Two And A Half Men binge when I heard a knock at my door. As tempting as it was to ignore it, I still harbor a faint hope that Ed McMahon will one day show up on my doorstep bearing an oversized check from Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. My dreams were once again dashed as I peeked through the blinds to see the unmistakable outline of a fighting Uruk-hai orc. I immediately tried to step away from the window but its beady eyes fixed on me and I knew I had been caught. Grudgingly, I went to the door to speak to my visitor. It went a little something like this:

Me: Hello, Snograt, I thought I told you I wasn’t interested in withdrawing my support from Aragorn and voting for Saruman instead.

The Surprisingly-Eloquent Orc In Front Of Me: I’m afraid you have me mistaken for someone else. Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Garsnaug, and I am running to represent you in congress, (holding out his hand). Please give me some money.

Despite the refined speech of Garsnaug, he too shared the nasty habit of spewing snot from his nose as he spoke, occasionally punctuating his words with a snort I would mistake for that of a bull moose were I to hear it in the wilds of Northern Ontario.

Me: My apologies, Garsnaug. But as I told my previous orcan visitor, I am uninterested in voting for anyone running in the Sarucratic Party. I don’t care if Saruman is the lesser of two evils when compared to Sauron, I just don’t believe he’s the solution we need right now.

Garsnaug: Ah, but I am running as a Progressive, not as a Sarucrat.

Me: I hate to break it to you, Garsnaug, but you literally have the white hand of Saruman imprinted upon your face.

Garsnaug: Ah, yes, that. Well, technically, I am running under the auspices of the Sarucratic Party, but being a progressive, I intend to completely change the party from within.

I was about to say something sarcastic when my eyes were drawn by a flash of sunlight reflecting off his Uruk-hai blade he wore strapped to one of his massive thighs, and thought better of it.

Me: And just how do you intend to do this Mr. —

Garsnaug: Please, just call me Garsnaug.

Me: And just how do you intend to change the Sarucratic Party from within, Garsnaug?

Garsnaug: By raising a ruckus!

Me: A what?

Garsnaug: Excuse me, the black tongue of Morder is my native language, but I believe it is what you men-folk would refer to as a commotion, disturbance, rumpus, or bruhaha. In other words, we have no intention of merely going along with establishment Sarumanian policies.

Me: Nothing violent, I hope?

Garsnaug: Actually, we were thinking along the lines of getting Saruman elected and then pushing him further in the direction we want him to go.

Me: I see. And how do you expect to do that when every indication is that Saruman, once elected, will do what he has always done, which is to ….

Garsnaug: By raising a ruckus. Of course, ruckuses do not come cheap. Even a modest ruckus costs millions and will require getting a bigger majority in congress than we now have.

Again, the hand comes out as in expectation of a donation.

Me: I’m sorry, Garsnaug, I just feel the Sarucratic Party is not willing to fight for their convictions. Have you ever even really tried to raise a ruckus?

Garsnaug (nostrils flaring): Not fight? Not fight? Why, dear fellow, have you never heard of the Battle of Minim Umwayj? Many valiant deeds were done that day, and many songs have been sung of it.

Me: I do recall hearing of that, now that you mention it. But didn’t Saruman’s forces flee the field of battle?

Garsnaug: We fought bravely on that day. Indeed, we had Sauron’s forces on the run. Victory was ours, until…

Me: Until What?

Garsnaug: Until Sauron unleashed a beast most foul from the pits of Morgoth. The…the Parliamentarian.

Me: The Parliamentarian? That doesn’t sound so scary?

Garsnaug: I will speak no more of it, to me the griefs is yet too near. I will consider myself fortunate if even time can help erase the memories, time and a $33.63 donation.

Once more, I noticed Garsnaug’s stained leather gloved hand was situated in front of me in expectation of a donation.

Me: I’ve got to go, Garsnaug, I’ve got something important waiting for me.

I turned to leave, slamming the door, the urgent request for my email address still on Garsnaug’s lips.