A Thank You To Europe From An American

First off, I’d like to apologize for what our Undersecretary Of State Victoria Nuland said. That whole “Fuck the E.U.!” thing was a big misunderstanding, and she wants you to know she cares for all Europeans every bit as much as she does the Ukrainians, for whom she has been working so hard this last decade in order to make their lives so much better.

With that out of the way, I would like to thank you all for the sacrifices you are making on behalf of the United States. We thank you as we once thanked the Vietnamese and the Koreans who once hosted our proxy wars in order that we might fight the enemy overseas rather than at home. Just remember to take public transportation instead of driving your cars, and wear a sweater this winter while you turn down the heat a few degrees. Believe me when I tell you we would be using public transportation more as well if we had any worth using.

Now you may ask why we have to fight proxy wars at all, why we can’t find ways to coexist with other nations. Well of course we will be able to coexist with Russia and China, just as soon as they become compliant to our every desire, as you are now. Just look at how we get along with Japan, now that they insist on permitting our troops on their soil as you now do. As far as Hiroshima and Nagasaki, hopefully it won’t come to that this time around.

We realize that we are asking a lot of you, but please know that you can still bask in the reflected glory of America’s greatness, knowing that people of European stock still rule the world and that the colonial model created by Western Europe is alive and flourishing. Granted, we may have token people of color in seeming positions of power, but rest assured you will not see them prominent at the World Economic Forum or Bilderberg Meetings, where the important decisions are being made.

GOOD NEWS! We feel bad about the economic impact the sanctions we demanded you impose on Russia will have on your economies, so as a token of our respect for you as equal partners in this endeavor, we will now permit you to buy oil from Venezuela! Unfortunately, due to a decade of sanctions aimed at the nation of Venezuela, it will take a year or two for them to get their production up to meaningful levels, but help is on its way.

I’d like to thank you too for the millions of refugees you have already taken in due to our prior proxy wars, as well as the millions more you are about to take in as a result of our decades-long meddling in Ukraine. At least this time the people we are asking you to incorporate into your societies are white and have religious beliefs similar to your own. Let it be known that we here in America are doing our part by taking in A HUNDRED THOUSAND Ukrainian refugees! Not only that, I just filled up my F-250 supercab truck and gas was nearly $5 a gallon. Don’t even say we’re not feeling the pain over here.

Lastly, I’d like to thank you for measuring all the products you make in inches and pounds for us, since we have never made the effort to convert to the metric system the rest of the world uses. I must say, though, that I feel ripped off when buying one of your European beers and only getting 11.2 ounces. At least when I buy a liter of Stolichnaya, I get a little more than a quart.

Again, I thank all of you Europeans for joining us in this endeavor despite the hardships you may experience. If all goes well, we can do this again in a year or two when we will ask you to forego any trade you may currently be engaging in with China. You might want to stock up now.